America's Got Talent

I'm a big fan of "America's Got Talent." I've watched all but the first season. Last night was the season premiere, and if you haven't seen it yet, new judge Howard Stern did a great job, and should do well filling Piers Morgan's shoes. I do have a small complaint, though.

I understand that the judges have to put through some not-so-great acts for the good of the show. If they only advanced those that they really thought could win, the show would be over in a couple weeks. Some runners-up will still benefit from the exposure if they don't win. And that's fine.

But please, stop putting through mediocre children. I don't expect a five-year-old singer to be as good as a 25-year-old. And yes, age can add a couple points in their favor. But a so-so act will never win, so what's the point?

I'm sure the judges feel bad saying no to a cute kid. I know I would. But what hurts a kid more, being turned down at the audition, or dropping out of school, picking up and moving to Las Vegas for a couple months, then being voted off by America on live TV?

Last night was only the first episode, and they put through two kids who will absolutely not win. I doubt they'll even make it past their first performance. First was The Amazing Elizabeth on aerial silks.

She's adorable! And aerial silks are really cool. But what happens when she's up against an adult who'd been practicing since before she was born? I'm not saying she's not terrific, and I'm sure I couldn't do it, but she is not the best silks act I've ever seen, and that's what she needs to be in order to win. 

They also let through father-daughter duo Jorge and Alexa. They are not bad singers. But they are not great. Alexa sings like a seven-year-old, because that's what she is. How long can they get by or her dimples?

Another thing that bothered me about this particular act is that everything she said seemed like a line her parents had written beforehand, and had her practice over and over for maximum cute effect. And she is cute, and I love that she and her father sing together and have fun and love and support each other. If I went to a cookout or a Christmas party at their house, I would gladly sit through a few duets. But is anyone really going to pay to see them do this onstage in Las Vegas? That's what the prize is on AGT, you know. Cash, and a contract for a Vegas show.

I wish there was a better option for these kids, maybe AGT Junior or something. As it stands, this is the only show that accepts kid entries, and sometimes it does benefit them, as in the case of Jackie Evancho two years ago. But letting through sub-par acts, no matter how cute, or how talented-for-their-age, only sets them up for bigger heartbreak later. If you watch AGT this season, I urge you not to vote for anyone who you don't truly believe could win the competition. It'll just hurt that much more when they finally have to go home.

Oh, Screw You, Time Magazine

I’ve got to address it. I know everyone and their mother (ha) is going to be writing about this for the next couple days, but what I have to say won’t fit in the comment box on someone else’s blog, so here it is.

I’m not even going to bother debating the supposed health benefits of breastfeeding a preschooler. I am not a doctor. What I am is the mother of a little boy roughly the same age as the poor kid currently gracing the cover of Time, so I do consider my opinion relevant.

What Time and Jamie Lynne Grumet are doing to that little boy is despicable. How dare they make him the poster child for old kids breastfeeding? He is nowhere near capable of consenting to that. I even get offended when I see children holding protest or campaign signs. They have no idea what you’re forcing them to do, and even if they were able to grasp the concept and weigh the issues, you can’t possibly guess what their opinion would actually be.

This boy has a whole life ahead of him, and he now has to live it forever in the shadow of that outrageous photo. The photographer as much as admitted that it was staged to be as sensational as possible: “I liked the idea of having the kids standing up to underline the point that this was an uncommon situation.” He may as well have said, “I wanted to freak out the squares and sell copies of this dying art form, screw the kid.”

The picture is all over the internet forever (I refuse to post it here). This kid has to go to school in a couple of years (scratch that; I’m sure his mom will home-school him so she can breastfeed him until he’s 13, at least). Eventually he will have to enter society. Would you date the man he’ll become? Honestly, I’d be too skeeved out. And think about dealing with Jamie Lynne every Christmas! Sure, there are people who support this breastfeeding-old-kids thing, but many, if not most people, think it’s weird and gross. They think Jamie Lynne is weird and gross. And now, through no fault of his own, that stigma has been passed on to her son, as well.

Whenever a debate on breastfeeding occurs, there are always people reminding us that this is between the mother and child, and none of our business. Time and Ms. Grumet have made it our business. They have invited us into the Grumets’ living room and encouraged us to judge. And so we will. But they have no business inviting us to judge the child. Unfortunately, now and forever, we all will.

I’m sorry, little guy. I hope you change your name- and possibly your nose, for good measure. I hope you get as far away from your mother as possible when you turn 18. And when you are 18, if you’d like to give a follow-up interview, the world will listen. Because this time, it will be your choice.

Mothers' Day Media Saturation

Mothers’ Day is fast approaching, and the internet has been lousy with gift ideas/articles making fun of gift ideas. As everyone knows, beating a dead horse is great cardio, so here’s my two cents:

Traditional Gift: Breakfast in bed. So, you want to wake me up by clanging pots and pans around at 7am, jump on the bed, feed me, and then I have to wash all the dishes, and the sheets? No, thank you.

What I’d Rather Have: Earplugs lovingly inserted in my ears after I fall asleep on Saturday night, followed by lunch in bed. At 2pm.

 

Traditional Gift: A trip to the spa. So, you want me to present myself to a bunch of perfect-looking 20-somethings while wearing nothing but a robe or towel, and invite them to critique my skin and body-hair challenges? Pass.

What I’d Rather Have: A couple of magazines, a bottle of not-really-from-Champagne Champagne, and a clean tub. Then, get the hell out of the house for a couple hours. If you insist that someone must rub my feet on my special day, I’ll let you do it yourself.

Traditional Gift: Appliances. Seriously, this still comes up! Just today, Consumer Reports posted a kitchen-related gift guide for moms on Facebook. Really, Consumer Reports? Really?!?

What I’d Rather Have: Why don’t you go ahead and test all the appliances we already have, you know, to make sure they’re working? Will the vacuum really pick up all the Goldfish and Craisins on the floor of my car? Go look into that.

Traditional Gift: Romantic weekend getaway with Dad.

What I’d Rather Have: Honey, I love you, but you’re not invited. I’ll just be sleeping all weekend anyway.

Traditional Gift: A necklace to commemorate all the sacrifices I’ve made for you.

What I’d Rather Have: My old boobs back. Make no mistake; those were the biggest sacrifice.

Moose and Zee Parents

In case there's someone out there who doesn't use Facebook (yeah, right), a brief explanation: Most businesses have a Facebook page that you can "Like." You will receive updates from them, just like when your friends post things. It's good for hearing about sales and coupons, or seeing when the new season of your favorite show premieres. You make a decision to seek out the page and click a button that says "Like." The screen will then tell you, "You like this." Got it? Ok.

There are people out there who are liking things that they hate and I don't know why. A cracker manufacturer will post, "Hey everyone! How's your Friday going?" and inevitably, four people will comment with, "Your crackers taste like ass." Here are a couple examples I pulled from my feed:

Also, they tend to have spelling, grammar and punctuation issues.

Why did you "Like" this page? It's so annoying to have morons like this cluttering your feed. This could not be more simple. Don't "Like" something if you don't like it! If you used to like it, and changed your mind, say, because a store never have the size your "daught" needs, or Christopher Meloni quit the show a year ago, you do have the ability to "Unilike" it and never hear from them again. This is like friending someone you hate and commenting on every status update with "Yor a jerk n ugly 2."

Nowhere on Facebook is this a bigger issue than the Nick Jr. page. If you're not a parent, or if you're a hippie parent with no TV, I'll give you some background. Nick Jr. is a basic cable channel with no commercials, aimed at preschoolers. The shows run uninterrupted for 22 minutes or so. For the next 8 minutes, until the next show airs, there are little interstitials about music and shapes and what have you. Until recently, many of these interstitials were hosted by a cartoon moose and bird called Moose and Zee. 

On March 1st, 2012, Nick Jr. revamped their format. They rearranged their schedule, cancelled a couple shows, premiered a new one, and killed Moose and Zee! Oh, hold on, I meant they stopped showing these characters on their channel. Not a huge deal. I noticed after about a week, and I think what went through my head was something like, "Hm. No more Moose and Zee." My three year old, who watches approximately 15 hours of Nick Jr. a day, didn't notice for a month. His comment was something along the lines of, "Hey, no more Moose and Zee... Look, an ant!... I want pretzels."

If you like watching people lose their damn minds on the internet, you owe to it yourself to check out Nick Jr.'s Facebook page. It got so bad that they had to remove fans' ability to post comments on their wall. This has not deterred them. They just comment on every single post, completely off-topic. Nick Jr. will post something like, "Happy Spring," "Check out Dora's new special on Saturday," or "Here's a free coloring page for your kids," and these people go ballistic on the comments. Observe:

Um, there's a button for that.

Love that she corrected her spelling of a non-word.

Her neck must hurt from all that SMH. I should point out that she's not agreeing with Jamilla's comment above; Jamilla comments 15 times on every single post. I guess her kid takes a lot of naps.

No TV programming is designed to appeal to a 15-month-old. TV is not recommended for kids under 2. PBS even states this on their website. Nick Jr. alludes to it on theirs- the activities are grouped by age, and none are recommended for kids under two. This woman has internet access; she doesn't live under a rock. There is literally no way she could avoid this information, unless all she does is watch Nick Jr. all day and not take her kid to a pediatrician.

 

You know who's like family to my kid? His friends. You know who isn't? The toaster.

Do you think the kid's parents know that when they entrusted their mother with their infant, she was parking him in front of the TV to develop his brand-new neck muscles? And again, I remind you, this woman is not a "paying Customer." Nick Jr. is not a premium channel.

Clarification: Nick Jr.'s old slogan was, "It's like preschool on TV." Please note the use of the word "like." You know why the slogan wasn't "It is preschool on TV"? Because TV isn't school! 

I feel really terrible for this kid. If that's true, he's got serious problems. If it's not, well, this is his primary caregiver, so... yeah, he's got serious problems.

Please understand before you comment, I am not against TV. I am not against children watching TV. My child and I both watch a lot of TV. But I didn't lose my shit when they cancelled "Wonderfalls" (ok, maybe a little, but not like that), and I'm confident that my kid could watch the same show for ten hours a day and still wouldn't consider the characters to be his "family" or "best friends." That is just sick. If that's really happening, these kids must be getting absolutely no human interaction whatsoever.

All the energy these people are putting into ranting and complaining and starting petitions should be spend helping their children get over their deep psychological attachments to characters that were only on TV for a total of 8 minutes a day. How are you going to handle the actual loss and trauma that your children will undoubtedly face one day? What if they lose a grandparent, their (human) friends moves away, or you have to move? How will you handle that?

Pictured: the moment I lost all respect for Change.org

As you've seen here, it's impossibly easy to make fun of these whack-jobs. But think about it seriously for a moment. These people are in charge of small children. What are they learning from this behavior? What kind of adults will they grow up to be, watching their parents rant and rave over an imagined slight against them by a TV channel?

There is no getting through to these people. There are plenty of well-written responses to their comments by actual fans of Nick Jr., thoughtful parents who calmly point out that a show getting cancelled isn't the end of the world, that a for-profit corporation doesn't have to bow to the ravings of a few fringe lunatics on Facebook, that if you want to your child to learn, you should be teaching them, or failing that, paying a qualified educator to do so. It all falls on deaf ears. These comments are immediately bombarded with attacks, swears, even cries of "bully" (man, I'm getting sick of that buzzword).

Short of sending each one of these parents a "Your Baby Can Read" DVD and a pacifier, I don't know what we can do to shut them up. I wouldn't be surprised if Nick Jr. just deleted their Facebook page altogether. You know what would surprise (and disappoint) me? If they give in to their demands. People, it's a cable network, not the board of education. They owe you nothing. If you don't like it, don't "Like" it.

TV shows worth watching, Part 2

My friend Maureen writes a blog called Aspiring to the Middle. I guess it would be classified as a “lifestyle” blog; she writes mainly about her lifestyle passions, which include travel, reading and a smattering of home decorating. I highly encourage you to check it out.

Yesterday, she wrote about a lifestyle topic that is very dear to my heart, television. (Please read it here.) She does not claim to be an expert, and focused mainly on reality shows. I, however, do claim to be an expert, and offered to fill in the gaps for her.

In the tv watching system, the people are represented by two separate, yet equally important groups: the reality tv fans, who know why Ice loves Coco, and the drama fans, who get this reference. These are their stories.

For those of you who know about Maureen’s noble profession, it’s understandable that she wouldn’t want to watch a lot of drama, since she sees enough of that in real life. What she doesn’t see enough in real life is “reality,” at least, reality as it’s presented by Mark Burnett and the good folks at VH1.

My noble profession as a stay-at-home mother (and no, I will not use obnoxious acronyms) is all about watching a short person act a fool, and occasionally say something funny. So you can see why I don’t need Snooki in my life.

The following are my drama recommendations, with some comedy mixed in, because hey, everybody needs that.

Sunday:

“Harry’s Law” – Kathy Bates is hilarious. If you haven’t seen her since “Misery,” give this a shot. It’s a procedural, so you can jump right in anytime. Yes, it’s a lawyer show, but it’s funny as hell. They specialize in lawsuits that are completely bananas, like a little girl with Conversion Disorder who was expelled for basically turning into a demon at school, or a woman who kidnapped a gorilla and fought to have the state grant him “personhood” status.

“Desperate Housewives”- Oh, shut up, it’s fun! These broads just get into the silliest predicaments. As of this writing, there are only two episodes left, so I’m sure I’m wasting my time, here, but at the very least, I can urge you to get on board with the fabulous Marc Cherry’s new project, "Devious Maids." I don’t know a thing about it, but the man gave us “Popular” and “The Golden Girls.” He deserves our respect.

“GCB” – For those who are current fans of “Desperate Housewives,” and looking to fill the impending void, GCB has got you covered. Way less sex, way more church, Texas accents, and my girl from the aforementioned “Popular,” Leslie Bibb. Who plays her mom? Sugarbaker Designs alum Annie Potts! It’s too perfect. And don’t get nervous when you see Kristen Chenoweth in the credits; she almost never sings (praise Jesus.)

Monday:

“Bones” – If you get grossed out easily, skip it. I love gross stuff (except farts), and will often force my husband to watch the cold open of this show, when they find an impossibly disgusting body in a stage of decomp you have absolutely never heard of before. Normally, I can’t stand when procedurals try to throw some cop’s personal life into the mix, but this one does it delicately enough that you never retch.

“Eureka” – It’s on SyFy. Haven’t shut down your computer yet? Ok, cool. I’m pretty sure this show is why they have no budget left for those movies; please don’t let “Mega Shark Vs. Giant Octopus” sour you on the whole channel. Eureka is a serial about a small town in Oregon that’s like super-secret DARPA. It’s in its last season, but you can probably get the DVDs for $5, since I’m the only one who watches it.

Tuesday:

“Cougar Town” – The awful name is a running gag on this show. They know, don’t worry. And please don’t judge a show by its title card. I'll make you a deal, and I’m being completely honest here: watch one episode, and of you don’t like it, contact me and I will mail you one dollar. If you do like it, you have to come back to this post and comment that I was right. It’s just some friends who drink wine and make fun of people, just like you and me... Maybe just me. Maybe I shouldn’t extend this offer to Maureen’s readers, since I don’t really know if they’re into that. Oh, well, the genie’s out of the bottle now.

Wednesday:

“Law & Order: SVU” – If there’s one thing that can be said for TNT and me, it’s that we know drama. This is the big bad mamma-jamma granddaddy of them all. If you don’t like L&O: SVU, you don’t like drama. Disclaimer: do not watch while pregnant, or for at least two months post-partum. Trust me.

“CSI: Crime Scene Investigation” – It’s the show that single-handedly ruined the jury system! You should see me watching this show; it’s a thing of beauty. I have to translate for my husband. What’s a GC mass-spec? What does it mean when they “put out a BOLO”? At what stage in decomposition to blowflies first appear? You’d know, too, if you watched. If you’re not a pro, you might want to start with the dumbed-down “CSI:  Miami,” or the super-duper dumbed-down, spell-everything-out-for-you “CSI: New York.” Once you know what DNA stands for, come play with the big kids in Vegas.

Thursday:

“Missing” – I must confess to pulling a Maureen on this one; I have the entire season banked on my DVR and cannot bring myself to start it. Ashley Judd is cute, and all, but it just seems like a TV version of that Liam Neeson movie I wasn’t interested in. Has anyone seen this? Should I bother? Please comment.

“Person of Interest” – Jim Caviezel is so BA in this show. He’s like a real-life Batman. And I mean just Batman; the Bruce Wayne half is played by Michael Emerson (Benjamin Linus from “Lost”). Basically, Bruce’s computer tells him someone will be involved in a crime, but there are no details. We don’t even know if this person is the victim or the perpetrator. Then he sends Batman in to protect/foil the… person…of interest. Oh, okay. Now finally I get the title.

“The Mentalist” – Imagine a fake psychic so charming you’d gladly hand him your wallet, then make him a cup of tea. Imagine said psychic gets too cocky, taunts a serial killer on national tv, and has his wife and child murdered as payback. Patrick Jane is the phony psychic in question, and he atones for the deaths by working with the police, using the observational skills he honed as a crook to fight for the good guys. In case I made that sound to corny, I should add that he totally plans to murder the guy who killed his family, once he finds him.

“Awake” – This premise is as high-concept as they come. A happy family has a car accident. The wife dies. Then, the husband goes to sleep and awakens to an alternate reality in which the son died, not the wife. Each day, he toggles back and forth between these universes, unclear on which one is real. He sees two different shrinks in each universe (one played by the super-rad B.D. Wong, of L&O: SVU), who both insist that the other universe is a dream. Oh, and did I mention he’s a detective, and has to solve crimes on top of all this? And that he gets clues to the crime in Universe A while he’s in Universe B? And his boss (Laura Innes, from “The Event”) is super-shady, and possibly involved in the accident/double universeness? Yeah. Here’s a tip: to remember which universe he’s in, he wear a rubber band on his wrist- red in the one where his wife’s alive, green for his son (their favorite colors, respectively). The entire color tones for the show follow this rule; wife-universe is shot in warm tones, and son-universe is in cool tones.

Friday:

“Grimm” – Another high-concept cop show. Nick Burkhardt is a Portland detective who just learned that all the fairy tale monsters we grew up hearing about are sort of real. And he’s a Grimm, a person tasked with keeping them in line. Big Bad Wolves are dudes who turn into wolves and eat little girls. The Three Bears kill trespassers. And so on. Unfortunately, Nick got the memo a little late, just before his great-aunt dies, passing on way too little information before she did so.

“In Plain Sight” – Inspector Mary Shannon is a grumpy U.S. Marshall, charged with handling witnesses for the U.S. Federal Witness Protection Program. She takes no guff, but gives plenty. I wish she was real, because I desperately want to be her friend.

I hope this rounds out your viewing schedule. These are only a handful of the 80+ (no joke) shows that I regularly watch, so if that’s not enough, I can always write a Part Three.

I'm Not a Lady; I'm a Broad.

I do not like lady shit, and I’ll tell you why.

Designer purses (oh, excuse me, handbags)

Fucking why? You cannot tell me that any designer purse is better looking, or more well-constructed, than a Merona purse from Target. Target purses are way cuter. And a lot of them have lights in them. Um, did you read that? LIGHTS IN THEM! So you can find your shit in the car and whatnot! Once, I totally splurged on a purse at Target, when I had a gift card. I paid over twenty dollars! Twenty-five, to be exact. Bitches, please tell me why you are paying hundreds of dollars for purses.

A Stop & Shop bag is better looking than this.

Getting my nails did

Correct me if I’m wrong, but today’s lady loves her some crafts projects, and everyone loves attention. Why wouldn’t you want to create a crafts project that you could wear on the ends of your fingers, for the whole world to see? I got so crazy into nails when I was 12, I would use toothpicks to recreate Van Gogh’s Starry Night on them [small exaggeration]. If you have trouble painting your nails, please email me and I will tutor you. Do not pay some stranger a redonk amount of money to do it for you! As for fake nails, OMG why again. I had that done once. I was in a wedding, and all the bridesmaids were getting them done together, all matchy-matchy, and I didn’t have to pay. So of course I did it. It felt so weird and wrong having chunks of plastic super-glued to my hands, but whatever. Then I removed them a few days later. THE HORROR! My nails are already razor-thin (great for scratchin’), so after I ripped those things off, they were, I shit you not, tissue paper thin. I had to keep them cut down to the quick for a couple months until I grew a completely new set. Who the fuck is doing this full-time???

Pinterest

I don’t get it. “It’s like a thing, where, like, you can share ideas, with your friends and stuff.” Um, yeah, I have Facebook. “No, but, like, you can keep track of neat things you like, to buy later?” I have an Amazon Wish List. “But let’s say you want to keep, like, recipes and craft projects handy…” I can email myself. Even create a separate folder. You may as well try to convince me that quilting is rad, for how many fucks I give about Pinterest.

Adele

I am a grown-ass woman. I have no breakups to cry about, and even if I did, I would use the same song I’ve been using since seventh grade: “The End” by The Doors. This week, I finally heard two of Adele’s songs, and they are boring and repetitive. Here is a mathematical explanation of Adele, for you Sheldon Coopers out there:

That first one is KT Tunstall. Go ahead and Google her; I'll wait.

Shoes

Shoes are what The Man uses to keep your toes oppressed. You know how those broads burned their bras back in the 60s or something? Same deal. If humans were meant to have shoes, we’d be born with them. If humans were meant to wear high heels, then fuck, why not just make Donald Trump president? Shut up, that makes total sense in my head. The point is, I have met one pair of heels in my life that I think are pretty. I’ve worn them to two weddings and I take them off before the bride and groom arrive at the reception.

Chardonnay

No, sir, I just don’t like it. When people describe chardonnay, they use the adjectives “buttery” and oaky.” When Eliot from Jordan’s Furniture describes a leather sectional and coffee table combo, he uses these same adjectives. I don’t want my wine to taste like a living room, thank you.

What lady things have I left out? Please comment and I will follow up with why I hate them, too.

Parents with Infants Parking

Before having a kid, when you see those infant parking spots at the grocery store, you either think, “Ooh, I can’t wait to use those,” or, “What the hell, they chose to have a kid. It’s not like they’re handicapped.” Doesn’t matter. When you have a kid, you will use one the first time you go to the store with the baby. 

You will appreciate the shorter walk to the door. You will buy a whole cart’s worth of groceries, bring it back to the car, strap the baby in, unload all your purchases, and then realize that the cart corral is 1000 feet away and your baby is in the car. You now have a few options:

1. Leave the baby alone in the car while you return the cart, and risk having it taken by a carjacker/kidnapper/social services
2. Abandon the cart, thereby inconveniencing the weird loner teenager or mentally handicapped 70-year-old whose job it is to collect it
3. Unload the baby (which is a bitch to do) and bring him with you on the long walk to return the cart. Oh yeah, and it’s always cold and rainy when this happens
4. Over time, cultivate a relationship with the cart collector so that he recognizes you and comes running to personally collect your cart every time you shop

Notice anything? There is no good option here. Those infant parking spots are useless. They were designed by someone who clearly loves babies and respects their caretakers very much, but has never actually met either. Probably one of those creepy, barren doll ladies from the Home Shopping Network. Thanks for your support, lady, but… FAIL.